TITLE: "Dance With The One You Came With"
AUTHOR: Aiobheann
PAIRING: John/D'Argo
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: A vignette from John's POV, after the events of "Slip of the Tongue." John berates himself for saying those "three little words" and decides to have the fabled "where is this thing going" talk with D'Argo. No reconciliation, no make-up sex, but we're working toward it, have patience.
DISCLAIMER: No copyright infringement is intended here, and the characters aren't mine, they belong to Henson and SciFi. Just playing around here, folks. Story copyright 1999 Aiobheann.
FEEDBACK: Yes, please. slashdiva@yahoo.com
That is the last time -- the absolute last time -- I get drunk in front of him. I should have remembered how stupid I get when I'm drunk. I am so humiliated. I mean, it wasn't bad enough that he had to carry me hell to breakfast, that I puked all over myself -- no, I had to go and say...well, something stupid.You are such a coward, Crichton. You can't even admit to yourself what you said. Denial's not just a river in Egypt, huh? I've been here before, this is not new territory. Just about every time I've really cared about somebody, really invested something in it, I find out it's just a fuck. What if all that stuff about being sword brothers, about the blood oath, was just bullshit?
Wait, wait, wait. I'm reading too much into this. I hope. If I'm not, I'm screwed. And not in a good way. I mean, I really took all of this seriously. Once I got past the 'Oh my god, I'm sleeping with a man' stage. I forgot it was all supposed to be this whole 'cultural ritual' and all that -- I really started to care about him. It stopped being 'D'Argo fucking me because he has to' and turned into 'us fucking because we want to.' Because I wanted to. It stopped being just another one of those weird, bizarre things that happen to me out here and started being real.
I mean, really real, like something that made me happy, something that made me feel like I could spend the rest of my life doing this. Like I could spend the rest of my life figuring out exactly what this thing was, and not be disappointed at the end if I never really pinned it down. Like just the being in it was enough, was exactly what I needed. Great, I'm not even making sense when I talk to myself.
I guess what I'm getting at is that I started to feel something. I never meant to. First it was scary. You know, having to confront a lifetime of cultural influences and my upbringing and what I thought was my basic sexual orientation, for Christ's sake, while I was looking at this seven foot tall alien who was gonna fuck me blind no matter what I said. But it wasn't like that, really. It didn't turn out that way at all. It was this partnership, someone who would give their life for me without a second thought. And I'll be damned if I didn't find out I felt the same way. What a head trip, right?
What I'm dancing around, trying not to say -- and I am such an idiot, if I can't even be honest here inside my own head -- is that I fell in love. Not something like it. Not sort of love. Love. Dammit. I couldn't just go on mooning over Aeryn -- nooo, that would have been too easy. That would have really been the coward's way out. I would never have to really get involved, never have to get my hands dirty and really get in there and deal with somebody else's shit. I could have just stayed out there, on the edges, without risking anything. Real brave. I hate to break it to you, John Boy, but you ain't on the outside of this any more.
No more comfort zone, no more wandering around wondering what if. I know what if, what happens if I fall in love now, even if it isn't with the person I expected. Aside from anything else my dad might have to say about this whole deal, I know what he would be telling me right now: "Dance with the one you came with." And the one I'm with, even if he doesn't care as much as I do, is D'Argo. Shit. I can just lay here, feeling sorry for myself, or I can get up and talk to him. Yeah, right. This is gonna be fun. "Hey, D'Argo -- I'm in love with you. Can you pass the food cubes?"
I have no idea what he's gonna say. He sure as hell didn't say anything last night. Maybe this isn't the same for him. Maybe he's just in it because he's supposed to be in it. But if I don't say anything, I'll never know. And I know me, Mr.I-Gotta-Say-Every-Damn-Thing-That- Occurs-To-Me...I won't be able to hide it. I guess I just better suck it up and talk to him, because it's gonna eat away at me until I do. OK, John, here we go. Get up off this bed and stop feeling sorry for yourself and dance, dammit.
Blood Brothers series by Aiobheann Blood Brothers: BB 1 Sword Brothers: BB 2 Brothers At Play: BB 3 New Games: BB 4
Slip of the Tongue: BB 5 Dance With the One You Came With: BB 6 Sleeping Arrangements: BB 7
Reluctant Witness: BB 8 Q'uathai: BB 9 Fine Things: BB 10 Chant: BB 11
Dark Brothers