TITLE: Love Potion 69
AUTHOR: Mary Schons (viedma9@yahoo.com)
RATING: R, for those keeping score at home
PAIRING: Henry/Chan
SUMMARY: Kind of a "Devil and Deacon Jones" meets "Dead Ringers," except
completely and utterly different.

No profit being made in case you couldn't tell.

Many wonderful thanks to the lovely Vali for suggestions, for posting it to the list, and for all her encouragement- she's a doll!

And now.

********

A scratch of a match. The crinkling sound of the first shreds of tobacco meeting the flame.

"Boy, I sure do like this smoking thing. I can't believe I never tried it before I died," Chandler mused.

"I mean, I used to smoke when I was at a bar or some place like that, but I never *really* got into it," he continued, taking another satisfying puff.

"It's relaxing, it gives me something to do with my hands, and it helps me think better. And," he propped his feet on his desk and looked over at partner, "it gives me this great angsty rebellious look. Don't you think I look cool, Henry my man?"

Henry looked up from the mounds of paperwork littering his desk and reached for his gold plated Zippo with the words 'Foxxy' embossed in loopy script on the front.

"You look like your face is on fire."

Chandler lost his precarious footing on the desk and went ass over teakettle. Henry shook his head and chuckled. "Keep trying, Chandler. One of these days you'll get the hang out it," he said, clinking open the Zippo and lighting another smoke.

Chandler dragged himself up off the floor and sat back down as if nothing happened. "Check this out," he said, letting smoke curl from his lips to be inhaled through his nose, "I've been prac-"

It was all he could get out before the coughing brought him to his knees again. Henry wasn't paying him any attention. He took a contemplative drag. "Me? I love a cigarette after a fine homecooked meal." Another long inhalation and exhalation sent a blue-gray cloud hanging over the dingy office space. "And right after great *sex.*"

Naturally, everyone in the office chose to be quiet on the last word. Some things never change, even after you die. Henry tried to make himself look smaller.

Ford and Decker walked by, relishing another reprimand for their underling. "What was that, Henry? Did you hear it too, Decker? Something about, oh, I don't know...fucking?"

Decker placed a meaty hand on Henry's shoulder. "Do we have to remind you about the rules?"

********

[Cut away to Deacon Jones sitting behind his desk]

Just in case any of you grunts forgot the cardinal rule of being in the corps, I wrote another poem for you knuckleheads.

[clears throat]

" 'Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? If I ever catch any one of you doing the ol' slap and tickle I'm going to kick your ass into the middle of next fucking week!'"

********

"Jesus H. fucking Christ, ya'll, all I said was that I *used* to smoke a cig after getting a little sugar. It's not like I said I was going to fuck Chandler over here, so settle your a$$ down!"

"Well, actually, you could do that."

"What???" Henry and Chandler said in unisom.

"Oh, sure," Ford said. "You can't have sex in the corps with someone who's not in the corps or it's Morlock Central. But if you're not in the corps you won't be having sex with someone who's in the corps." Henry looked uncomfortable and Chandler looked confused. "So, if you wanted to have sex with someone IN the corps, specifically *Your Partner,* there's nothing wrong with that." Decker swatted Ford's ass. "Hell, that's how me and Ford lasted so long!

"Naturally, Deacon Jones doesn't approve, but that taskmaster doesn't approve of anyone gettin' some besides him. Makes him all cranky."

The gears in Chandler's brain began to squeak to life. "I don't get it. Why couldn't a Morlock go undercover as a corps member, fuck their partner and turn us into one of them?"

Ford rolled his eyes. "Fine, Chandler, whatever. Close the only loophole that would offer you a vacation from your right hand, see if we care!"

"Well, if we could do the deed with each other,why the fuck didn't you say so?" Henry shouted.

"Because you never fucking asked, numbskull," Ford replied.

Ford and Decker walked away hand in hand, muttering things about lousy case closures, inept detectives, asses, wet paper bags, and flashlights.

Henry looked at Chandler. His face looked like it needed a scrub and a shave, his hair looked like someone had plugged his finger into a light socket, his suit was torn, and his crazybent cigarette was wrapped around a goofyass grin. Henry had never seen anything that looked so godd**n fine in his whole life.

Chandler looked at Henry. He thought his afro looked pretty cool.

********

[Cut to Deacon Jones standing beside Skinny Crackerboy]

"RESIST!"

********

Without looking away, Chandler fumbled in his inside jacket pocket. Fumblefumblefumble.

********

[Closeup of Deacon, red-eyed and shaking furiously]

"I'm NOT going to tell you twice! Do not fall for your partner's nasty behind!"

********

After five minutes of fumbling, he finally looked down and produced the Morlock knife. Locking gazes with his partner again, he ran his tongue slowly over the flat edge and still cut the hell out of his tongue anyway.

Henry gaped, the spittle on his bottom lip securing a place for his precariouly dangling cigarette.

********

[Deacon]

"'Course, if your partner goes for the cheap shot and does the knife licking trick, there's only one thing you can do.

[crosses to huge, full-color chart on an easel, demonstrating each point with a thwack of a ruler]

One Finger, Two Finger, Three Fingers, Dick.

[Crackerboy walks out of shot]

Boy, GET back here!"

********

After so many months of nookie deprivation, people across town heard the Henry's resistance snap. He leaped across his desk and licked the knife along with Chandler- one loving lick together that mingled their spit and Chandler's blood all together like they were sharing a salty coppery metallic ice cream cone. Henry threw the knife across the room and thunked it into an unlucky bastard of a coworker. Deaf to the screams of agony, he tossed Chandler across the desk and ripped off his boytoy's pants.

********

[Deacon, grunting and sweating, up to his neck in Crackerboy]

"Well, Henry? What the fuck are you waiting for? I'm demonstrating this for YOUR benefit!"

********

Henry shuddered and shook and gasped and panted and swore. Then he looked down at the acres of deliciously doughy Chandler ass and got down to the dirty business of fucking.

He prepared and entered Chandler and fucked him as long as he could give it to him. It was the best forty-two seconds of his life.

********

[Cut back to Deacon, feet propped up on the desk, pants still around ankles]

"Well, how was it?"

********

Henry and Chandler looked up from the heap they had collapsed into on the desk.

5.6 5.5 5.5 5.4 6.0 4.9

"Hey, Ford, what's the big deal giving us such a low score?"

"Canadian judge was way too easy on you. Besides, they always throw out the highest and lowest scores. Fair's fair."

Decker patted Chandler's head. "Buck up kiddo, you'll do better next time!"

The pair straightened, a little dispirited. And yet..a little hopeful.

To break the tension, Henry retrieved the knife from the body of the coworker who was already making a big mess for the janitors. Henry wondered idly if they threw down that disgusting-smelling stuff for blood too. He cleaned the knife off and turned around, hoping that Chandler had split.

Damnit- still there, waiting like a puppydog.

Immediately, Henry closed his eyes to scrub the puppy-fucking-Chandler association out of his head if he ever wanted to have sex again.

Which still left him with what he must do. Henry considered himself a pretty good conversationalist with the ladies, but was feeling out of his depth at making small talk with a friend he'd just buttfucked.

Chandler looked at Henry coyly and shuffled his feet. He didn't know what to say; he hadn't been fucked up the ass in weeks and was feeling as shy as a schoolgirl.

"So, Henry...*will* there be a next time?"

Henry looked at Chandler, and for some reason, the vulnerability in his voice made him break into a huge grin as all his insecurities dried up and blew away.

"You betcha- now come on over here and give me some sugar!" Henry pulled him close and gave him a smooch that made Chandler weak in the knees.

"Who knows? We might even make it into the bedroom tonight," Henry purred, lighting two cigarettes and giving one to his brand new sweetiepie. The squadroom applauded. Walker wiped away a tear.

********

[Cut away to Deacon smiling pretty]

"Don't you just love happy endings?"

[leans into the camera and yells]

"Now what are you still doing here? Leave these two alone and get back to work!"

END