Title: Smell

Author: Anne, e-mail: anne29_1999@yahoo.com

Archiving: Anywhere

Disclaimer: Yeah, I wish they belonged to me, but we all know they

don’t, right?

Rating: NC-17, Aeryn/John

"John, I think she's waking up…"

Waking up? Who was waking up? Was the voice talking about her? Why would she be sleeping in what smelled like the middle of a battle?

"Aeryn…Aeryn, look at me. I need to see your eyes, okay?"

"Come on, Aeryn. Look at me."

Who are you? she thought even as she opened her eyes. The light was almost too bright for her, yellow sunlight, making her squint at first. Then she saw him, blue eyes, handsome features despite the worried expression, the mouth she had ravaged on countless occasions. And she knew.

"John," Aeryn Sun, former Peacekeeper, present-day fugitive, and currently lover to a space-lost human, breathed softly as she looked up into his eyes. She could feel some of the confusion that she had been floating in fade away, leaving instead relief that at least some things were making sense now.

But only some things, she thought, as John looked away, momentarily distracted by an explosion in the distance. Behind him, she could see a crumbling stone wall, the top of it had been blown away by something. Weapons' fire, perhaps?

John turned back to her, looking at her more intently this time. What he saw seemed to relieve him as some of the tension faded from his expression and one of his hands came up to absently caress her face.

"Hey," he replied gently, still stroking her face, as he smiled at her affectionately, but somewhat…uncertainly, she thought. "How do you feel?"

Aeryn tried to rise up to answer him, only to find herself immediately pushed back down by the wave of nausea that followed. "Dizzy. Lightheaded, " she replied, choking off the second word as she became aware of how dry her throat was. "Like I can't catch my breath. Like I haven't had anything to drink for days."

John nodded, a grim smile on his lips. "Zhaan said you'd feel that way. It's because of the medicine she gave you. It wasn't her first choice of treatment, she said, but unfortunately it was all we had available." His smile grew more lop-sided, the one he used whenever he was going to say something that he wasn't sure she would like. "She really didn't like giving it to you, said that it wasn't something most respectable healers would use…but I told her I didn't give a dren about her standing in the Uncharted Territories version of the AMA. As long as it helped you, …that was all that mattered."

Aeryn didn't bother trying to figure out just what that meant, having learned quite some time ago that she would never understand everything her human lover said. Instead, she tried to rise up again, and once again, found that she couldn't. Suprisingly out of breath for her efforts, she laid back and wondered, If this is what something that was supposed to help me is doing to me, what the Hezmana was wrong with me?

Frustrated, she looked back up at John, noting that if she moved her head only in small increments, she was able to keep the nausea from returning. "I can see why she didn't want to give it to me," she said sharply, wishing desperately for a drink of something and noticing disappointedly that they didn't seem to have anything. "I don't understand how it is supposed to be helping me. All it appears to be doing right now is making me want to empty my stomach contents any time I even attempt to move."

The grimace that flashed across John's face surprised Aeryn, as if she'd somehow caused him pain with that statement. "Actually…" he started to say, and then paused, as if he didn't know how to begin to answer her implied question. After briefly running an absent hand across his eyes, he tried again, this time more successfully. "Actually, it's supposed to work as some kind of super clotting agent combined with a pain killer. It's the pain killer that's making you nauseous."

He paused again, long enough for Aeryn to start to ask again, only to have him interrupt her with a tensely quiet question of his own. "You don't remember anything that happened, do you? Rygel hooking us up with one of his contacts, only he didn't realize that he was in the middle of some private war with one of his uglier neighbors? Getting caught on the guy's estate just as it was getting bombed back into the Stone Age? Trying to get out and coming up against some of the other guy's goons who thought we were mercenaries?"

Aeryn shook her head, but even as she did, the events came flooding back to her. They had been surrounded, but fortunately their enemy was confused by their own smoke and fire from the bombing. Seeing this, she and D'Argo had decided to use a trick they'd tried once before, charging different sides of the enemy group as the others laid down a covering fire, keeping the enemy troops from getting a good look at who or how many were actually attacking them as attacks continued from multiple sides. The idea had been that the resulting confusion would make the hired troopers think that there were more fighters in this "group of mercenaries" than there actually were, and decide that taking them on wasn't worth the effort…or the risk.

The ploy had worked, but unfortunately…

Aeryn looked down at where the coat covered her body and slowly pulled it back. What she saw made her gasp…and then wonder how Zhaan had managed to work enough magic to keep her alive. She already owed the Delvian one miracle from when she'd been stabbed before. From what she was looking at now, it was evident that she owed the former priest another.

Her lower abdomen was a bloody mess, that much she could see even through the heavy bandages. She'd been shot only once, but it had been close enough to blow away a huge amount of blood and tissue. The result was that her digestive organs were virtually exposed, protected only by the bandages and the mass of clotted blood that lay underneath them.

Exhaling as deeply as she dared, she pulled the coat back and laid her head firmly back on the ground. No wonder John got upset when I talked about emptying my stomach…, she thought numbly, her mind almost unable to process the fact that she'd been shot like this and was still alive to look at it.

"We didn't dare move you." Aeryn glanced back at John in surprise. In her shock, she had almost forgotten that he was there. "We were afraid you'd bleed to death if we did. So Zhaan, D'Argo, and Rygel left to go get the transport pod." He smiled ruefully for a microt, an ironic sight given the quiet tension in his voice, and Aeryn had to wonder why, ….until she realized just how much of a battle it probably was to get D’Argo to "abandon his shipmates." She knew that the Luxan would not have left with a clear conscience; his devotion to his "allies" was extremely important to him. It would have taken a lot of convincing on the part of the others to make him go, …and probably a lot of yelling and screaming as well.

I wish I’d been conscious to see that "discussion" she thought, smiling in spite of the situation, her memories of the times she had watched her lover go toe to toe with the much larger man still impressive, even after the passage of time. There were very few Peacekeepers who thought it was a good idea to get in a shouting match with a Luxan, at least not without some type of weaponry or back-up close at hand. All Peacekeepers had been taught a healthy respect for these warriors’ strength, skill, courage, and most importantly, ferocity, all of which were amazing for such an "inferior race." But John frequently defied that thinking, seemingly heedless of the fact that the Luxan could easily do him great damage, without really even trying too hard. Instead he just forged ahead, often getting right in the big man’s face, confident that he would somehow manage to sway the other to his way of thinking, without taking too many bruises in the process. Amazingly enough, he usually succeeded. More amazingly than that, eventually the arguments all but stopped, D’Argo having apparently decided that it did no good to fight with the human, preferring instead to just go along from the outset, …and waiting to say that he "knew this had been a bad idea," only after things sometimes went sour.

It had been while watching this whole process take place that she realized that her early belief that the human needed protecting was definitely misplaced. He had proven more than once that he could take care of himself, and frequently, his shipmates. She knew now that the idea was only the result of her own possessiveness once they had begun sleeping together, and not because of any real weakness on John’s part. It had been hard to admit that to herself, …but ironically, not as hard as some of the admissions she found she would have to make later.

Aeryn’s thoughts were interrupted as another explosion, this time sounding much closer, went off nearby. John resumed speaking even as he looked up, trying to see if he could mark where the missile had come down. "They're going to come back for the rest of us," he continued to explain, "try to break through the firefight during a lull or something. Zhaan was hoping then that she’d have something that worked much better for you, something that would keep the wound sealed without depriving your body of moisture."

He was still looking up, watching the column of smoke from the blast curl slowly up into the sky when he became almost lost in thought for a microt. Aeryn watched as something, …Doubt?, she wondered,…crossed his face, before he finally turned back to Aeryn and locked blue eyes with her, determination replacing whatever emotion she thought she had seen. "They will be back," he stated, almost as if he was defending their absent comrades. "D'Argo promised both me and Chiana that."

Chiana ??! Aeryn thought, and then watched as if the mention of her name had summoned the young Nebari. She came up from behind the wall John was sitting in front of, her clothing dark and smudged as if she'd been caught in some smoke. "John, they're getting closer. If Zhaan and D'Argo are coming, they’d better hurry," she wheezed, a slight edge to her voice, before bending over in a coughing fit that seemed to last for several microts. Eyes streaming tears, she straightened back up before adding sharply, "It looks like it won't be more than an arn before that dren that shot at us come back this way to make sure they got everyone they can kill. I wonder if the yotz who hired them is paying them by the head or something?"

John moved around to face the former thief. "Don’t worry," he told her, in a tone just as defensive, if not more than, the one he'd used on Aeryn, "In an arn, they’ll be here." He and Chiana stared at each other for a brief pause after that, then looked away, as if neither one of them wanted to pursue that line of thought any further. Aeryn had to wonder, as she watched Chiana’s mouth tighten, if John and D’Argo hadn’t been the only ones arguing today. "In any case," he continued, looking back at the Nebari and pointedly ignoring her closed expression, "you're not going back out there. I don't care what you say about needing to know what's going on. It's too dangerous."

Aeryn thought for a microt that Chiana would say something at that, but in the end she only shrugged as if she were tired of fighting. "You won't get any argument from me," she said, smiling ironically, a smile John had to return. "I'm done playing 'spy.' " The point settled, she moved to the other wall making up their small, three-sided enclosure and tried to catch her breath. "I got way too close to that last group of bombs for my comfort, anyway," she added, still looking at the human. "If I wanted to breathe smoke, I can think of at least a half dozen clubs I could go to, …and some of them actually guarantee an evening of not being shot at."

She smiled again at her feeble joke, the effect ruined by another coughing fit that left her streaming tears again. Aeryn noticed that the smoke from outside was starting to drift into the enclosure. She hoped it stayed away from her. In her condition, a coughing fit would be the last thing she needed.

Her equilibrium restored, Chiana glanced over at Aeryn, noticing for the first time that the former Peacekeeper's eyes were open. "Aeryn!" she exclaimed, just a little too cheerfully, Aeryn thought. "You did wake up! I thought you were moving around before I left."

"Yes, obviously," Aeryn replied quickly, trying not to let the younger woman see how amazed she was to see her. Despite the fact that she knew John would not approve, she found herself wanting to ask the former thief, "What the Hezmana are you doing here?" It wasn’t like the two women were close. She and the Nebari had had an uneasy relationship at best, sometimes teasing, sometimes out and out nasty. There had been a few times when they had actually reached out to each other, …but those times had been few and far between, based on a moment, …..and once that moment had passed, never mentioned again.

There was a time when she would have stayed because of John, Aeryn thought, but she knew that Chiana's attentions these days were directed at D'Argo, and not Aeryn’s lover. Yet, she'd had the chance to leave with D'Argo…and had chosen to stay with them.

John keeps saying that there's more to her than the rest of us see, she thought. I guess he's right.

All three of them looked up as one of the now familiar explosions went off nearby. Chiana had been right; things were getting dangerous where they were. Whether a bomb or a group of troops reached them first, it wouldn't matter. They would all be dead in a matter of microts.

Aeryn laid her head straight back, looking up into the sky, not really seeing it as she tried to listen to the ebb and flow of the battle around her, to use her experience to gauge how near or far away any troops might be. She didn’t doubt Chiana’s previous assessment; their time together had taught her that the girl was good in situations like these. It was just the Peacekeeper in her, trained to be constantly alert in battle zones, aware that the slightest inattention could mean death, either for herself, or those around her.

Speaking of those around me…John had taken up a position right by her head, she noticed, one of her hands lightly clasped in his. She got the feeling that he wanted very badly to be able to hold more of her, but that he didn't dare. The wound in her abdomen was just too unstable. Still, it was nice, she thought, just having him close, being able to feel the warmth from his skin, the feel of his touch. Typically, she'd be able to smell him as well, but unfortunately, she found that the smells of the battle around them made that impossible. She wished that wasn’t so. He had a nice smell, a clean smell, that was somehow both very similar to, and yet different from, that of a Sebacean male. It was a slight difference, and yet, she remembered, a smile touching her lips as she did so, it had been one of the things that had first put her off about John when they had met initially. Her sense of smell wasn't as sharp as D'Argo's, but it wasn't as dull as John's either, and she had been able to pick up the scent of "alien" almost immediately after she had knocked him to the ground that first time in the holding cell. Much later, as they lay intertwined in their bed, his smell intermingled with that of their sweat and sex, she wondered when it had ceased feeling so "alien," …and started feeling so comforting.

He must have felt her looking at him, because he turned and smiled at her very briefly, before leaning down and kissing her gently on the mouth, then pulling back only a breath away, just looking at her. Aeryn usually liked it when he did that. It made it easy for her to see what he was feeling, his eyes usually showing his emotions so clearly, but this time…, there was something in his eyes that actually bothered her. It was hard to tell exactly what, only a sense that he was trying to keep something from her, something she wouldn't like. Confused by this, she watched as he continued to stare at her for a long microt, looking like he wanted to say something to her, then thinking better of it. Finally, he kissed her again, this time for much longer, almost desperately, before finally pulling back and settling back against the wall beside her.

"You should try and get some rest," he said quietly, soothingly. "We'll most likely be moving you soon."

Aeryn nodded and closed her eyes, even as she was thinking, What the Hezmana was that all about?? Something was very, very wrong here, she thought. He didn't usually hide things from her. In fact, normally, he found it almost impossible. That he would be trying to do so now meant that something very bad was most likely going on here…and he thought he was protecting her by keeping it to himself.

Deciding that she'd be better off to figure it out herself before she asked him point blank, she slowly and carefully reviewed everything she'd heard and seen since she'd awoke. She knew that he and Chiana had been fighting, although about what she wasn’t certain. She also knew that neither one of them, two of the most vocal people she knew, was all that talkative right now, a major point in and of itself. In addition, there were other things: the doubt she had briefly seen on her lover’s face, despite what he’d said to her and Chiana; the edge in Chiana's voice when she'd first come back; the friction when they had spoken about getting out of here. There was a tension in the air which could have been the result of their arguing, but somehow she was beginning to doubt it.

She looked again at her lover, sitting with his back against the one wall beside her, one of her hands firmly held in both of his. He was almost as smudged and dirty as Chiana, only in his case he had the addition of a large group of dark stains covering the front of his gray tee shirt. Blood, she thought before pulling her mind away from the implications of that statement. She did not want to think about what it had probably been like for John to watch her go down. She wanted to think about just how long they all had been here.

She looked up at the sky again, trying to remember what it had looked like when the original firefight had broken out. She was pretty sure that this world's sun had been almost directly overhead then. Looking to the one "open" wall of their shelter, she found it, just about to set on the horizon.

More than just "a while" then, she thought. Turning her head back as swiftly as she dared, she watched as Chiana tracked a missile across the smoke-filled sky, her face a study of intense concentration. Next to her, John was just as intent, almost staring a hole into the joined hands lying in his lap, his thoughts obviously turned inward, as if he were trying to make something happen just by thinking about it. They were both clearly tired; it had probably been difficult to stay on guard for so long, to watch out for any possible discovery, but there was more than that at work here. It wasn’t in either one of their natures to give up…., but there was definitely a feeling of defeat in the air, a feeling that no matter what they did, they weren’t going to get out of here.

Like a regiment that’s been promised back-up, she thought, …and knows it’s not coming!

Aeryn sighed as realization hit her, her dry throat making the simple exercise almost painful. She’d recognized now what she hadn’t seen before…and how desperately they were both trying to hide it, from her, and possibly even, from each other.

They’re worried…because they don’t think the others are coming back, she thought, somewhat surprised at her own ability to feel so calm and detached, years of training enabling her to assess the situation in front of her. They’re out o f ideas, and all they’ve got left to hope for is that somehow D’Argo and the others can come back here…which is looking more and more like a long shot. They’ve been disagreeing on what they should do,…John’s pretending the others are still coming, but trying to come up with something on his own? , Chiana, in the meantime, had some other plan that maybe didn’t work?….In any case, they’re both thinking that we’re not going to make it..., that none of us are going to get out of here alive.

Aeryn found that she would have to agree with that conclusion. After so long…either the others didn't make it to the pod …or they can't get back into the battlezone to come back and pick us up. It doesn’t matter if they’re still out there trying. I doubt they’ll succeed.

The plan sounded like something of a long shot to begin with. The two sides were firing at anything that moved across any part of the sky. How Zhaan and D’Argo had ever thought they’d make it back was beyond her. It would have been better if they had all left together, and taken their chances at being able to escape in the smoke and confusion.

Except they couldn’t because of me, she reminded herself. John was right. I can’t be moved. I would most certainly have bled to death…and still would. There’s no way they can escape and take me with them.

Her thoughts were interrupted as John shifted abruptly, placing her hand down back by her side and moving as if to get up. "I’ll be right back," he almost whispered, leaning down and kissing her gently on the cheek before standing up and walking quickly over to the side of the enclosure where Chiana still sat, her eyes canted intensely upward, as more smoke trails filled the sky, each one seeming to get closer and closer to their increasingly vulnerable position.

Aeryn watched as he said something to her, too low for Aeryn to hear, something that was followed by an abrupt gesture of negation from Chiana and what sounded like furious words. He continued to talk to her, obviously determined to convince her of something, even as she continued, just as determinedly, to refuse to have anything to do with it.

It only took a microt for Aeryn to figure out what was going on. He’s given up on pretending that the others are coming back…and he’s telling her to leave, she thought. To save herself, and abandon the two of us,…but she won’t do it. Aeryn stared, a feeling of amazement washing over her, as the argument continued, died down, then came to an end with John finally, impulsively, embracing the youngster. She smiled at him somewhat sadly, saying something in a low voice, before settling back down to continue watching the sky above them

Aeryn barely registered John coming back to her and resuming his previous location, she was so shocked by what she had just seen. Doesn’t she realize that if she stays here she’ll die?

"So much for that." Aeryn blinked as she belatedly realized that John was talking to her. "I thought I saw the transport pod up there, and I was checking to see if she saw it too." He smiled at her briefly. "She didn’t hesitate to let me know that I was seeing things."

Aeryn smiled at him and nodded her head, even as she thought That’s a lie. Normally she would have called him on it, but she didn’t, deciding instead to play along. He obviously needed to feel like he was protecting her, trying to keep up the myth that rescue would still come. She didn’t have the heart to tell him that she had already figured out that it wouldn’t.

Besides, it’s not like you haven’t ever lied to him, she thought as a sudden wave of remorse swept through her. And for a much less noble reason, …your own cowardice!

Be quiet! She admonished herself, thinking that this was really neither the time nor the place for that line of thought. She needed to search her memory, her training, her experiences, see if there was anything there that would help the three of them survive and make it out, without any outside rescue or back-up. It was the only chance they had, and she needed to concentrate if she was going to come up with anything.

But the part of her brain that statement had come from would not be stilled. You never told him that you heard him say that he loves you. It’s been over a monen and you still haven’t said anything, …all because you were afraid of what that would bring out in the open.

I didn’t mean to keep it from him! she retorted. I just wanted to be certain of how I felt before I said anything! Almost against her will, she remembered how the first few days after she’d overheard him had been torturous. She had examined and re-examined her feelings, comparing them to everything she had ever felt for any of the men she had ever been involved with, only to find that it was pointless. She had no frame of reference, no way of knowing what was love, and what was only fondness, or infatuation, or just sheer, simple lust. If she had no idea what love was supposed to feel like, how was she supposed to be able to identify it? It was almost enough to drive her crazy with frustration.

Even worse though had been the thought that would sometimes plague her late at night, even as she laid there in his arms, If she had to ask herself what she was feeling, didn’t that already mean that it wasn’t love?

It would have gone on plaguing her, if their lives hadn’t become too busy to indulge in such self-destructive introspection. Life in the Uncharted Territories demanded the warrior in her…and the warrior had no time for such philosophical trivialities.

And you have no time for it now, she scolded herself. You need to concentrate on coming up with some way to keep the three of you alive! Think about this later…if there is a later!

Now re-focused on the situation at hand, Aeryn racked her memory, trying desperately to find some situation similar to the one they found themselves in now. Even as she did so, she couldn’t help noting that this was almost the same process she had put herself through nearly a monen ago, as she had tried fruitlessly to find some past experience that would tell her what to do and how to act in the present.

Sadly enough, the results were much the same.

Nothing. There’s no way the three of us can make it out of here…not without them having to carry me in a way that would almost certainly finish me. She looked at her lover, who looked as if he were doing the same memory search she had just completed, his eyes focused inward and not on the wall in front of him. She turned her head slightly, moving her focus onward to Chiana. The girl was still scanning the sky above them, desperately watching anything and everything. Aeryn wasn’t certain if she was looking for Zhaan and D’Argo or just looking for the missile that would finally have their names on it. In any case, it was all the young thief had left to her to do, and she was obviously determined to keep at it, …up until the very end.

No. Not if I can help it, Aeryn thought, knowing what she had to do.

She looked back at John, and took a moment to think that this would not be easy. Her lover could be as stubborn as she could be at times, and his strength of will was amazing for someone who had never had any kind of military training. Still, it was the only way. She would just have to make him see that.

"John," she began, snapping him out of his reverie as he turned and looked at her, his expressive eyes telling her that he hadn’t been able to come up with anything either, "I need you to be honest with me." She swallowed, not wanting to pause right there, but finding once again that her throat was almost painfully dry, and she needed moisture if she was going to get this out. It was hard enough saying it without feeling like she was trying to say it through half the sand from Dam-Ba-Da.

Taking a breath, she began again. "We are in serious trouble, aren’t we? You don’t think the others are going to be able to make it back." She finished the last with a cough, the dry air and smoke irritating her throat, making her wish once again that they had some kind of water at hand.

John looked at her, concern warring with surprise on his face, before finally giving way to grim resignation. "Yeah," he said, nodding as he did so. "I’d hoped maybe you were too drugged to notice, …but Chiana had pretty much decided that before you ever woke up. I didn’t want to give up on them, but now…" His voice trailed off for a microt as he looked away, as if he didn’t want Aeryn to see the emotions in his eyes. "She made some good points," he continued, still looking away. "It shouldn’t have taken more than an arn for them to get back to the spaceport, using public transport, maybe another half arn for Zhaan to work her Delvian charm on the administrator that liked her so much, and then less than that for them to fly out here. Right about now, I’d say they’re about seven arns overdue."

Sighing, he glanced across the enclosure at the Nebari, who was still too engrossed in her "sentry duty" to pay them any attention. "A few microts ago, I told her she should leave, but she wouldn’t hear it." He smiled briefly, a smile of affection that might have made Aeryn jealous under different circumstances, even as he mock swore in her direction. "Stubborn brat." The Nebari didn’t notice; she was still too intent on the sky above to listen, or watch as he shook his head. "Anyway, that’s why she was going out there…she was convinced she’d find a transport of some kind, something she could steal, that we could use to get you out of here. But, as you probably guessed…"

"She didn’t find anything," she completed for him, "and without a transport, you can’t move me." Her throat was starting to cooperate; she found she only needed a short breath this time before continuing. "John, you can’t stay here. You and Chiana, you could escape. You’re only two people, both resourceful, and she’s experienced at slipping through places unnoticed."

She needed a quick breath, ignoring the fact that a good quantity of it was smoke, and kept going, trying to make the intensity she was feeling heard in her voice. She would need it to convince him. "Your chances of survival are actually fairly good, ….but not if you stay here! We both know that it would be, …what is the human word, …Suicide!"

Her last word devolved into a fit of coughing, coughing that she feared for a microt would literally tear her apart. She felt John’s arms wrap around her, holding her close to him, trying to keep her still. Finally, the coughing subsided, enabling Aeryn to get her breathing back under control, and not feeling any new bleeding, exhale a soft sigh of relief.

John still held her, his arms wrapped as tightly around her as he dared. She was looking at his chest, but she didn’t have to see his face to know that he was shaken. "God,…Don’t do that!" he breathed. "It wouldn’t take much to…"

"To start me bleeding again." Aeryn looked him in the face as she completed the thought. She locked eyes with him, seeing the fear, and the love he felt for her, and wishing there were some other way. "John, you can’t take me with you. You have to go, …and you have to leave me here."

"No way." It didn’t take a breath for him to answer. "Chi should leave, yes, and I’ll try again to convince her. But I’m not going anywhere, not without you!"

"John, that is senseless!" She barely took a breath herself. "All that means is that we’ll both die. This medicine Zhaan gave me can’t last forever. Once the clotting stops, I’ll bleed to death no matter what you do. If you stay, all you’re doing is increasing the chances that you’ll be shot or burned up by one of these bombing runs. You have to leave! There’s nothing you can do if you stay!"

"I don’t care," he replied, ignoring the fact that Chiana had finally noticed that they were fighting and was watching them as closely as she watched the sky earlier. "I told you once that I would never leave you. I meant it then, and I mean it even more now!" He paused, obviously debating something, before continuing his line of thought. "Aeryn, I never told you this because I didn’t know how you’d react, but I…"

"You love me," she finished for him quietly, a small part of her amused by the surprised look on his face, the rest terrified by what she was about to say. "I know. I overheard you talking into your recorder the night we had sex in the dining area. I didn’t say anything …because I couldn’t say that I loved you back." Her throat failed her, forcing her to gulp a quick breath before continuing before he could interrupt. "I’ve tried to figure out how I feel, but I just don’t know. I don’t know if I love you…or if I’m just comfortable with you. I honestly can’t say!"

Her throat held up, enabling her to continue without stopping. "In either case, you deserve better. You deserve someone who can love you as completely as you love other people. Even if what I feel for you is love, I’m not sure that I’ll ever be capable of feeling for you what you obviously feel for me."

She paused, not sure if she was thankful or not that he didn’t take advantage of the microt and interrupt. Telling herself that it was unimportant, she built to the finish. "Don’t you see? This is for the best. So get out of here. Save yourself. Find someone who can give you what you deserve to have…because it’s definitely not me!"

She looked at him, actually seeing his face for the first time since she’d began her speech. She’d expected….what, she wasn’t sure. She didn’t know if he’d be angry or sad or some combination of both, but she’d assumed he’d be showing her some type of emotion. Instead, he just looked at her, intensely, quietly, not showing any of what he might be feeling. His blue eyes, usually so open to her, were closed-off, the curtains somehow drawn, cutting her off from what had always been her viewport to his thoughts, her in-road to his soul.

And despite the fire, and the explosions, and the troops just outside, she found that scared her more than anything.

Finally, he spoke, quietly, but with just as much intensity, if not more, than he’d used before. "Don’t tell me where I do or don’t belong. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t know what you think I want, but this is exactly where I want to be."

She stared at him disbelieving, as she tried to make sound come out of her open mouth. Didn’t he hear anything I said? she thought. Doesn’t he understand? He can’t stay! Can’t he see that?

She tried to start again, to convince him how wrong he was, when she heard Chiana scream behind them. They both looked up…and saw what she had finally spotted.

A missile. Not on an exact collision course, but close enough, that it would make no difference.

Aeryn started to yell at them both, to leave her, to run, when suddenly pain lanced through her lower body. She could feel liquid starting to flow across her hips, and she knew that the dosage Zhaan had given her earlier had finally run out.

It was over, no matter what happened now. She just hoped that John and Chiana managed to get out in time.

It was all she could think, as her world gradually faded to black…

************************************************************************

It was perhaps a fraction of a microt before she realized how wrong that was. She could smell something. It was a clean, familiar smell, one she had never smelled before until just recently in her life. She could feel it growing stronger, overlaid with other, more pungent smells, starting to break through the numbness around her, …and as it did, she became aware of much more. She could hear a humming, like the pulsing of a great ship. She could feel something beneath her, something soft, covered with fabric…like a bed. And she could see, just around the edges o f closed eyelids, a light, soft, not bright, like that of somewhere indoors.

The smell…reminded her of home. Was that where she was? Was she home?

"I am glad to see you back among us."

Aeryn Sun, former Peacekeeper, present-day fugitive, and currently surprised to be alive, opened her eyes …and looked into a pair of blue eyes that were familiar, and yet at the same time, unrecognizable. She tried to place them, but the confusion she had floated in still lingered, blurring her vision, making it difficult for her to make out any other details of the face above her. They were obviously full of concern for her, and caring, but they gave her no other clue as to their identity. All she could do was guess…and hope that it was the person she desperately wanted it to be.

"John?" she breathed uncertainly, looking into the eyes above her for some sign that she had guessed correctly. She was immediately disappointed when instead, all she saw was a little amusement, a great deal of sympathy, and perhaps, even ….some sadness.

"No, Aeryn, it is not John," the voice said calmly, …and immediately the last of the confusion faded as the world suddenly, almost shockingly, snapped into place around her. She could see her surroundings clearly now…and just as clearly, the owner of the blue eyes hovering beside the bed she lay upon.

"Zhaan," she said, feeling both more certain of her environment and yet somehow less certain at the sight of someone she had thought she would never see again. She saw now that they were in the quarters she shared with John onboard Moya, Zhaan sitting on the edge of the bed, she lying on it. Her clothing had been changed into a clean tank top and shorts. The awful wound had been rebound with fresh bandages and was no longer causing her pain, her skin smelling as if it had been treated with one of Zhaan’s potions. The source of the other smell, the one she remembered as she awoke, she found was a scented candle that Zhaan had given Aeryn and John when they moved in together, a small joke on her part, since she had told them when she gave it to them that its scent was an aphrodisiac…and they all knew how much the two of them needed help in that department.

I’ve never seen John blush so, Aeryn thought, smiling sadly, as she continued to look around the room. Hezmana, where is he?!!

Finally, she saw him. Asleep, in a chair near the other side of the bed. He looked as if he hadn’t bothered to clean up or change his clothes, still wearing what he had worn back on the planet. He still looked tired, even in sleep, as if he had yet to make up the energy he had lost during the battle. And most of all, he still smelled of smoke and blood and sweat, the battle smells that Aeryn had recognized instantly the first time she had awakened near him.

Perhaps that’s why Zhaan lit the candle, she thought, still smiling sadly as she looked at him, curled up like a child. She was so happy to see him, taking immense joy just in the fact that he was still alive, and here, safe, with the rest of their shipmates. That meant so much to her. She couldn’t imagine what she would have done if she’d woken up and discovered that he was dead. The thought was just so horrible to her, she didn’t want to even begin to conceive it.

And yet…when she remembered what she had told him on the planet…when she imagined what he might say to her when he finally awoke…she knew that even though they’d both survived…things would never be the same again. And for that, she mourned almost as badly.

I wish I could take it all back, she thought. It was all true…but still, if I had just never said it…

"He didn’t want to leave you, not until you woke up," Zhaan said, her voice breaking into Aeryn’s thoughts. Startled, Aeryn turned her attention back towards the Delvian, wondering if the former priest had been able to read what she was thinking just from the expression on her face as she’d looked at her lover. As usual, Zhaan’s calm, blue visage told her nothing. "I told him that you would need time to heal from where I repaired your wound, that he was tired himself and should really get some rest, but he wouldn’t hear of it. He was determined to stay awake until you were awake as well, …but eventually, …his exhaustion got the better of him." Zhaan looked across the room at where John slept, a small smile on her lips. "He and Chiana had to deal with hiding the three of you a lot longer than we intended. Thank the Goddess, we were able to get all three of you out of there…before things took a turn for the worse."

I thought they already had, Aeryn couldn’t help thinking, but aloud, she only asked. "How did you get us out of there? There was a missile heading for us, just as I passed out…"

"Oh, that." Zhaan smiled again, this time with much more of her typical amusement, an expression that John had once said made her look as if she were in on a private joke that only she and her Goddess were aware of. "That missile was actually us,…Rygel, D’Argo, and myself, in the transport pod." Her smile took on even more amusement as Aeryn felt herself gape in disbelief. "It was Rygel’s idea, really," she continued, her smile the only sign that she had noticed Aeryn’s expression. "We had all noticed on our way out of the battlezone that it would be impossible for us to fly back in, at least, not without getting shot down. When we reached the spaceport, Rygel suggested that we have my friend in administration order some of the personnel to graft metal plates onto the pod, to make it look like a missile. It was the only way, he said, we would be able to get back into the area, and pick you up without us all getting blown apart by some tactical tracking computer. The metal they used at the spaceport would hide the organic components from any sensors…and we would appear just to be another missile, streaking across the sky, mindlessly on our own way just to blow something apart.

"D’Argo, of course, chafed at the delay…and it did end up taking quite a while. But, I believe that we never would have gotten back to you if we had not taken the time to do that…as I am certain, so does D’Argo." Her smile became more mischievous all of a sudden as she looked at Aeryn as if she were sharing a confidence. "I think he just does not want to admit that Rygel had a good idea. It might mean that he might have to listen to the ‘Hynerian Windbag’ more carefully from now on."

Aeryn nodded, still astonished at what Zhaan had told her. It was a good idea, one that she wasn’t certain she would have been able to come up with, under similar circumstances. D’Argo wasn’t the only one who would be paying more attention to Rygel in the future.

Zhaan’s smile abruptly became a grimace as she looked at the bandaged area on Aeryn’s abdomen. "I had hoped that the medicine we found in that trooper’s pack would last longer than it did. I hated to have to administer it to you. It has some abominable side effects, but you were in such bad condition…"

"Zhaan, it’s all right," Aeryn interrupted, part of her not believing that the Delvian was actually apologizing for saving her life the way she had. "It did what it was supposed to. It held me together until you were able to get back to me and fix it properly….And for that, I think I owe you a huge debt, one I’m not certain of how exactly I can ever repay."

Zhaan’s smile returned, even as the rest of her expression and body language seemed to downplay what she had accomplished. "It was nothing really, Aeryn. You do not need to repay me. Seeing you healthy and happy again is its own reward. The Goddess fills us all with the desire to see those around us prosper as much as possible. Even though I am no longer one of her priests, I am no exception."

Aeryn couldn’t help but return Zhaan’s smile, truly touched by what the Delvian had done for her, ….but inside, she could feel her heart lurch at the words "healthy and happy." After what had happened, would she ever be happy again? she wondered. Deep down, she wasn’t certain that she wanted to know the answer to that. She was afraid that she already knew just what it would be.

She hadn’t thought that any of what she was feeling had shown on her face, but Zhaan’s expression suddenly became much more intense as she looked at her. "Aeryn," she asked somewhat hesitantly, "is there something you would like to talk about? Something that might be bothering you?"

Aeryn considered that for a microt, wanting desperately to talk to someone who might understand what had happened; then she shook her head, deciding that she didn’t want to drag Zhaan into this. The former priest probably wouldn’t be able to help…and the thought of confessing just how badly she had messed things up with John to her much older, much wiser friend…was not something she wanted to contemplate doing, at least not right now.

Zhaan looked at her uncertainly, as if she didn’t want to leave it at that. "Are you certain?" she asked, her eyes looking as if she were trying to peer into Aeryn’s very thoughts. "There is nothing troubling you? Nothing you would like to discuss?"

Once again, Aeryn was tempted, something inside her telling her that she needed this, needed what Zhaan was offering. But still, she shook her head "no," looking away as she did so, fearful that her overly perceptive friend might see the lie, and the heartache, in her eyes. As she did so, she was surprised to hear Zhaan sigh, an unhappy sounding sigh, and looked back, to see the Delvian looking at her, an uneasy expression on her normally placid face…

And uncertainty in her normally confident eyes.

"Aeryn," she began, looking as if she had to force herself to speak just that one word. "I am about to do something I have never done before….and never thought I would ever do in my entire life, however long the Goddess dictates that may be. It is not a casual thing. In point of fact, there are many within the Seek who feel that the source of all our problems began with something as simple as this,…a small seed of evil that eventually poisoned the entire tree, spreading onward as water does through a stem, until no leaf, no root, no piece of chlorophyll, was untouched by its disease. "

She paused, her eyes glancing away for a microt, before re-focusing on Aeryn, their blue depths catching Aeryn’s own, and holding them with an almost fearful intensity. "However, it is also true that there are things in this universe that must be nurtured, if we are all to continue our growth on this plane. And to deprive them of what they most need can also be a poison, a poison of omission, that can destroy just as easily as any cell of evil ever could."

Once again, she paused, this time for a much longer microt, and when she began again, her quiet voice had an almost ominous quality to it, as if it carried more than sheer sound and air were ever meant to carry. "What I am going to do, Aeryn, ….is break a confidence, a confidence that I swore to keep in the name of my Goddess." She looked away at that, and for a fleeting microt, Aeryn thought that she could see real fear in her friend’s eyes. "I do not wish to do this," she continued, her voice almost too quiet to hear as she continued to look away. "I feel as I said before, that this is not a casual sin. That it could lead to greater evil in my heart…and I have only too recently restored that balance again to treat that lightly."

She paused again, still looking away; and Aeryn was surprised to find, as she gazed at the former priest, that she was holding her breath, having become so enrapt by what her friend was saying, that she had forgotten to breathe. She was so amazed by that, that she was almost startled when Zhaan turned to her and began speaking again. "But I must," Zhaan said, her eyes once again catching Aeryn’s own, any and all fear gone, only a quiet intensity remaining in their blue depths, " …because I feel that if I did not do so,…I would be committing a far worse crime, than any oathbreaking could ever be.

"Aeryn," she said, and then paused, once again obviously forcing herself to speak. "I have to tell you…that I know what happened between you and John on the planet. I know what you said to him." She looked to Aeryn as if she expected her to say something, but Aeryn was too caught up in the Delvian’s intensity to interrupt. "I know that you feel that you do not love John, …or at least that you do not love him as he loves you. And that, you feel you are taking advantage of him, …in your mind, depriving him of being able to find someone who will truly return his love,.…as well as depriving him of the happiness he could possibly have with another, …the happiness you feel ….he cannot have, with you."

She paused, looking at Aeryn as if once again she expected her to speak, before continuing on with a quiet question. "That is true, isn’t it? That is, basically, how you feel,…or, rather, how you told him you feel?"

There was something important in the way the former priest had phrased that question, but Aeryn couldn’t concentrate on it long enough to figure out what it was. Instead, she found herself nodding her head, unable to lie to the friend who felt she was risking her soul to discuss this with her. "Yes," she said, amazed at the calm quiet in her own voice as she looked into those intensely focused eyes, "that is what I said. That is what I told him."

For a long microt, Zhaan stared at Aeryn, a strange, sad smile playing on her lips, before finally speaking again. "Why, Aeryn?" she asked, her voice low and quiet. "What would make you think that? What would make you think that you do not return his love?"

"What wouldn’t?!!" Aeryn returned, her own voice low and quiet, but no longer with calm. Instead, it seemed to her own ears, that it was full of suppressed emotion, all of the pain and the anger she felt at herself for not being able to do something that should have been so easy. She knew it would seem to someone like Zhaan that she was in an enviable situation. How could she explain the truth?

"I don’t think I love him," she began, looking down, away from Zhaan as she spoke, her fists clenched in front of her, "….because I can’t find any love for him inside me." She glanced up at that, to find Zhaan looking at her disbelieving. "It’s true, Zhaan! I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to figure out if I love him or not. I’ve been over and over how I feel until I’m sick of it…and I just can’t find it. I just can’t find it within me!"

Zhaan still smiled at her, that strange, sad smile, as she reached out and gently wiped moisture from Aeryn’s face. When exactly had she started crying? Aeryn wondered, but couldn’t answer that thought as Zhaan distracted her attention by starting to speak again. "Oh, Aeryn," she soothed, taking the clenched hands within her own. "Of course, you cannot find it. No one has ever shown you the different ways that love can look or feel, never given you an example that you could use to shape your own ideas on the subject, or even provided you a role model to aspire to. Certainly, you were not given any of that as a child, and I am equally as certain that your experiences as an adult with your own people did not give you any of that either. It is no wonder you cannot recognize love within yourself. You do not know what to look for!"

Aeryn looked at her as she felt the tears continue to run down her face. I’ve never thought of that before, she thought as she gazed at the Delvian with hope in her eyes. "Do you know?" she asked, her voice sounding desperate, even to herself. "Do you know what I should be looking for?"

Zhaan smiled at her, this time with more amusement, as she wiped her face again. "I wish it were so easy," she almost whispered, her voice wistful and soothing at the same time. "Unfortunately, love is different for everyone. It cannot be measured…like boxes of cargo ….or units of fluid."

Aeryn shook her head, not certain that she understood what Zhaan was trying to tell her, …only wanting someone to tell her how she felt. "Then how?" she asked, an edge of frustration in her voice. "How do you…how does anyone…know how they feel?"

Zhaan reached up to her face again, but this time she did not wipe away her tears. Instead, she gently turned her face, so that she was looking across the room…at John. "Aeryn," she said, her voice still almost a whisper. "Look at him. Look at him…and tell me,…what do you feel?"

Aeryn started to look at the former priest in disbelief, …only to have the other woman firmly turn her face back the other way, her hand still on her jaw. She stared across the room at John, a nauseous feeling building in her stomach, as she realized that she was afraid,…afraid to look, to see, to know what was truly inside her. To know just how lacking she really was, …and how it kept her isolated from the joy she knew was only a few breaths in front of her.

"I, I can’t," she breathed. "I can’t do this…"

"Aeryn," Zhaan said beside her, her hand a steady presence still on her jaw, her voice a breath in her ear, "there is nothing to fear. You have already told him that you do not love him. All that is left…is to see whether or not that is true yourself."

She’s right, Aeryn thought, as she stared sadly as what she was certain was now her former lover. I have nothing left to lose…

"I, I feel…," she began, trying to get a grasp on the nebulous things swimming inside her, to put them into the words that Zhaan seemed to think she had within her. "I, I feel…that whenever he’s not around, …I wish, that he were. Whenever …I need to talk ….or figure something out ….or make a decision about something, …I find that I want to know what he would think about it, …and that his opinion is important to me. …Whenever …I see something that I think is impressive…I want to tell him about it, …and it doesn’t seem to mean as much, …until I can."

She paused, her mouth dry, either from speaking or crying or just the residual effects of the drug Zhaan had given her. Inside, she was amazed. Much of what she had just said were things she knew, and yet never really realized for herself before. She thought that that was all she could get out, …but beside her, she could feel Zhaan…not saying anything, but somehow, urging her on, nonetheless.

"I feel…" she began again, not certain what the other woman was looking for, "I feel…that I would rather die than let anybody hurt him. That I would always care more about his happiness before I looked for my own. And that if I ever lost him…" Slowly, she shook her head, the tears re-appearing in her eyes, "I can’t, I don’t, even want to think about how terrible that would be."

She looked down at her hands, dimly aware that Zhaan was no longer touching her face, as the tears ran down her cheeks. She knew now what she had wanted to know for not just the past monen, but almost as long as she had lived, she realized. She knew how she felt inside…and she knew that she was not lacking in any way.

But Hezmana, she thought, as she continued to stare at her hands, it’s too late. I’ve already ruined it!

"Aeryn…"

She looked up …into Zhaan’s face and saw answering tears in the other woman’s eyes, but not tears of sadness, she realized, …tears of joy. "Aeryn," she said again, "you found what you were looking for. Why are you still unhappy?"

"Because…" she began, finding that she was crying even harder, "because it’s too late! I’ve already destroyed my relationship with John! He probably won’t even want to talk to me,…much less listen to me or believe me when I tell him how wrong I was!"

"Aeryn," Zhaan said, smiling at her with definite amusement, "look at him." Again, she turned Aeryn’s face gently towards the human, her fingers leaving her cheeks once she was turned. "He refused to leave your side until he knew that you were all right," she said. "He would not take the time to get cleaned up or even change his clothes, he was so worried about you. " She smiled, a broad smile that Aeryn could see even out of the corner of her eye. "Of course, part of that may be that his sense of smell is so underdeveloped, he does not realize how badly he reeks…but still, I think that has to say something."

Aeryn could feel something like hope starting to build deep inside her. "You think, you really think, he’ll take me back…when he wakes up?"

This time, Zhaan turned her face back so that she was facing her. "Aeryn, I know so." She smiled at her again, this time with a hint of the mischievousness Aeryn had grown to know so well. "Who was it you think told me about what happened on the planet?"

Aeryn could feel her mouth open in disbelief for the second time in an arn. "He did?! But, I thought…I thought it was Chiana who told you what happened!"

Zhaan shook her head. "Chiana did not tell me anything…except that I had better go sit with John while he waited for you to awake. Once I did, he had no choice but to talk to me, he was so tired…and eventually, what happened between you came out." Her smile faded as she looked at Aeryn, all hint of mischievousness fading from her eyes. "You really hurt him, Aeryn, …and you scared him. He does not want to lose you though, and I think he will be more than willing to listen to whatever you have to say."

Aeryn looked back across to where John sat, her own heart stung by what she had done to him…and wanting only to make it right. "So what do I say to him? How can I tell him how I feel?"

She didn’t hear Zhaan move beside her, but somehow she was aware that the other woman was no longer there. Turning, she looked…and saw her moving towards the door.

"Zhaan?" she asked, somewhat confused by why the other woman was leaving right now…"Zhaan? What do I say to him?"

Zhaan turned back to her, and stretched, a sign Aeryn recognized of a very tired Delvian. "I would tell him…exactly what you just told me a few microts ago. I think it will get the point across…" She turned and caught Aeryn in a glare that was only partly mocking. "Especially since you are in no shape to get it across any other way. Do I make myself clear? "

Aeryn took a quick assessment of her body. Her wound was healed, …but she was still weak, despite the arns she had spent unconscious, and it hadn’t been helped by any of the emotional stress she had just put herself through. Zhaan was right…unfortunately.

"Yessss," she said sarcastically, smiling at the other woman to soften it. "I promise I won’t do anything until I’m healthy. Honest."

"Good," Zhaan retorted. "Now I am going to go back to my quarters and get some sleep. I suggest you do the same…after you wake John up, that is."

Aeryn looked at the other woman, a serious expression on her face this time. "You think I need to? That I shouldn’t let him sleep some more before I wake him up and talk to him?"

"No," Zhaan replied, as she walked out the door. "I think you should wake him up…so he will finally go and shower!"

Aeryn laughed at the retreating Delvian, even as she moved across the bed, to wake what she knew now was not just her sleeping lover,….but also her sleeping love.

Fin.

Epilogue (Okay, you didn’t think I’d really end it there, did you?)

************************************************************************

Okay, Zhaan, I kept my promise, Aeryn thought as she sat on the front edge of the terrace, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, over her clothing, but I’m using my judgement as to whether or not I’m healthy or not!

Truthfully, it had only been a couple of days since she’d been healed…and she knew the Delvian wanted her to continue to take it as easy as possible. Still, there were some things…a woman just wanted to be able to decide for herself.

Especially since I’m still not convinced she didn’t use her powers on me…After she had worked things out with John, and after she had slept for almost another day, she had to wonder just how much of what had happened in her quarters had been the result of unaided soul-searching…and how much had been the result of Delvian abilities, digging into her mind, showing her things that she had hidden from herself. It would not have surprised her if that was what she had done. She knew that there were probably many memories that she had probably suppressed. It was after all, a Sebacean survival technique, supposedly used to overcome emotional scarring that could be caused by life-threatening situations. In truth, though, she knew now that it was necessary more because most Sebaceans’ childhood memories were far more likely to be traumatic, rather than anything resembling nurturing…and they needed a way to be able to pick and choose among the things that made them stable…and the things that wouldn’t.

Whatever happened back there, she thought, I know there are things I don’t want to remember. Maybe that’s why I have such a hard time reading my own heart. I’m afraid to look too deeply…at what I might see.

In any case, she was still extremely grateful to the former priest. Thanks to her help, she had been able to realize that she did have what was necessary to return John’s love…and that knowledge enabled her to accept what he offered her freely, and without reservation, for the first time in the entire time they had known each other.

So if she thinks I’m going to wait any longer…she thought, as she heard footsteps behind her, I’d say she’s crazy,…but I know just how sensitive she is to comments like that!

She looked up…and smiled as her lover reached down and kissed her on the cheek before settling down on the terrace beside her, a blanket in one of his hands. She looked at that in puzzlement, since she already had one wrapped around her, a puzzlement that was obviously evident to him, since he answered her question unasked.

"We have two," he explained, "because I didn’t think it was a good idea for one of us, whom I will only refer to as a player to be named later, to lie on the floor here. " He smiled at her again, and she realized that he didn’t care that she would never get half of his jokes. All that mattered to him was that she was there to hear them. "The other one is for…"

"The other one," she completed, smiling back at him, " is so no one walks in and growls about our having sex on the terrace again, right?"

"Exactly," he nodded even as he stood and spread his blanket out on the terrace floor. "Although, I’m not so sure how good of an idea this is. I can wait, you know…"

She stood up herself at that, and walked over and kissed him soundly on the mouth. "I can’t," was all she breathed as she wrapped her arms and her blanket around him, enveloping them. "In fact, I'm sure I can't wait even another microt..." She kissed him again, taking her time, as she re-explored the feel of his mouth and lips on hers. She moaned as they continued, and then moaned again as she felt his hands come up to rub along her back, down over her waist, to her backside and back, using that light touch that always drove her crazy, almost to the point that she had to stop kissing him and just stand and enjoy the feel of his hands caressing her body. She had to smile at her lover in appreciation at that, for both his skills, and his last ditch effort to show her that they didn’t necessarily need to push her recovering body any further than this. She knew that he knew exactly what he was doing to her…and she was enjoying it so much, it was all she could do not to lie down and let him just keep on doing it.

But she had other plans. Slowly, she pulled him down to the floor, settling on top of him, and proceeding to do exactly what she knew drove him crazy, lifting his shirt, and kissing along his tight abdomen until she got to his chest. There, she blew on each nipple, smiling at the results as she felt his body buck underneath her. She continued to repeat her movements, nipping at the hard muscle, then either blowing or rubbing her tongue across his chest, all the while rubbing her crotch against him, silently daring him to prove he wasn’t interested,…while she was sitting there grinding herself against him, looking for any sign that might prove otherwise.

Finally, he reached up and grabbed her by the shoulders, stopping her in the middle of her maddening routine. "Okay, I’m convinced," he breathed, kissing her soundly on the mouth, his tongue taking her breath away for a long microt, before pulling back and looking at her. She could feel her heart almost leap up in her chest as he did that and she realized, for what had to be the fiftieth time in the last few days, how much she loved that his eyes were an open book to her again. It was almost as much as she loved him, she thought,…and almost as much as she had enjoyed telling him that she loved him, for the first time, just a couple of days ago.

But she didn’t have time to say anything right now, as he gently rolled her off of him and onto the blanket underneath him. "I’ve got only one condition," he said, smiling at her, as he settled himself on top of her, his hands rubbing along the interior of her thighs, his fingers tracing patterns lightly along the sensitive skin. "And that’s since you’re still not feeling well,….I get to drive you insane this time." With that, he pulled her shirt up, but only so he could undo her pants…and start kissing his way down her pelvis, pulling both pants and underwear off as he went.

He’s not…OH, Hezmana, she thought as he finally got her pants all the way off…and started kissing on the areas he’d been tracing just microts before. It was enough to make her moan, as she felt his tongue come into contact with the tender skin there, lightly crossing the area again and again before moving over and repeating the process on the other leg. She wasn’t sure exactly when he’d figured out how much she liked being either touched or kissed just inside her upper thigh, below the part where pelvis met leg, but he definitely had figured out how to do it so that it did indeed drive her insane. It felt like he was barely touching her, with lips, tongue, and fingers, but it sensitized her nerves, causing her to involuntarily shudder every time he did it, and making sure that the next time he did, it shocked straight through her even more than the last.

Deciding that he planned to keep that up until he had driven her crazy, she started to try to distract him…by beginning to take off the rest of her clothing. That seemed to work for a microt, as they both decided it was time to take advantage of the cover of blanket number two, but once they were both undressed, he just resumed what he had been doing, kissing and tracing all along the inside of her upper leg. All that changed is that occasionally he would trace his tongue right down the seam where leg met pelvis, coming ever so close to the bundle of nerves that were by this time, just aching to be touched. It was enough to make her almost grab his head…and grind herself against him, but she knew him well enough to know that he was going somewhere with this. She just had to stay sane long enough to find out what it was.

Finally, she thought they were getting somewhere when he raised up and came up to kiss her soundly and deeply on the mouth, their bodies rubbing together, warmth and skin and muscle rushing against each other, making her feel like every surface of her body that came in contact with him was on fire, and pushing her to want to feel him inside her as soon as possible. But he surprised her, easing off of her instead, and gently rolling her over on her stomach. She frowned at him both in surprise and disappointment, but he kissed her again, pulling back only a breath from her mouth, and whispered the words, "Trust me."

I do, she thought, laying her head down on her arms. I just don’t understand…OH, Dren! She couldn’t believe what she was feeling. She knew her back was sensitive. He’d proved that to her more than once using his hands and fingers. But what he was doing now was indescribable, as he slowly kissed his way across her shoulders, open-mouthed, tracing patterns with his tongue as he did, making her feel as if the muscles there were being reduced to absolute jelly. At the same time, the feel of his mouth on her nerves was extremely enticing, sending shocks all the way down her spine, not ending until it struck right at her core. The result was that it was at one time both incredibly relaxing and incredibly arousing. Slowly, he worked to cover her entire upper back, making sure to attend to every single unit of space, before coming back and lightly tracing his mouth across the area again.

Aeryn moaned as he repeated this over and over. She felt as if she were being torn in two. On one hand, she wanted him inside her as badly as she ever did. On the other, she would do anything, anything at all, if he would never stop doing just what he was doing. It was maddening and wonderful, all at the same time,…and she found that just when she was ready to scream with the feeling of it, he would take it up even higher, …by blowing lightly on the area he’d just finished kissing, the cool air rushing over her nerves, and making her shudder so completely, she felt as if she would never stop vibrating, as every cell in her body was rocked by the violence of the body tremor.

It was during one of these tremors that he kissed her, deeply, passionately, enough to make her breathless with the taste of him. His hands roamed over her body, his fingers setting off little patches of sensitivity as they moved, lightly touching here, firmly rubbing there,…until finally they were both arching against each other, wanting desperately to take the act to completion, releasing them both from this state of utter frenzy, of incensed passion, of just sheer, aching need.

He lifted off of her, just enough for her to roll underneath him and face him, their mouths rejoining in a fierce connection, as she wrapped her legs around him and he pushed inside her as deeply as he possibly could. Moving slowly at first, they quickly built to full intensity, their now intimate knowledge of each other’s bodies enabling them to find a rhythm quickly and easily, pounding with the need running through both their skins and finding its crescendo somewhere in-between them. Aeryn felt as if she could almost feel his pulse, deep within her own chest, joining her own in its pushing, pulsing, beating, driving them both onward, as they tried to fuse their bodies almost into one entity. It was as if something was both lost and gained between them, each giving as much as they could to the fire, getting back as much as they gave, until finally, Aeryn felt it start to crest inside both of them, inside of her, as if her body contained both herself and her lover. She could feel it rushing through her, over her, carrying everything she was along with it, until her heart pounded with it and her blood coursed with it, devouring her skin, burning her nerves, leaving her raw, aching, …until all she could feel was the need, and the final, fitful wave that washed through her, pounding her until she couldn’t breathe, and finally beating the need, back into submission, and leaving her gasping with the aftershocks of sensation, jolting through her, over her, until finally abandoning her, shaking, in her lover’s arms.

No. My love’s arms, she thought, as she felt his comforting weight press against her, the warmth and the pressure of him pushing on her, enveloping her in his body, and making her feel almost as she did when they had been joined, as if they were one person, not knowing where she ended and he began. They continued to lie there, enjoying the peaceful warmth of each other ‘s bodies, listening to the sound of each other’s hearts, completely lost in the sense of each other, and the utter feeling of contentment that existed between them.

Finally, John broke the spell in-between them, by rolling off of her and then pulling her to him, to rest her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest. He also reached out and pulled the blanket, which they had somehow lost during the course of their time together, back over them, covering them both, so that the warmth they shared between them would not be lost to the air of the terrace. Aeryn sighed, as she settled herself into this new position, knowing that she could feel almost as much of him if she slid her leg across his, and that she could still hear his heart if she positioned her head just so. It was actually a fairly comfortable position, one that she had discovered early on in their relationship, surprising John since he’d almost had to explain the entire concept of cuddling to the former Peacekeeper. She really didn’t care what it was called; she just knew that it felt incredibly good, and as long as it did, she saw no reason why she shouldn’t keep right on doing it.

She was aware of John looking down at the top of her head, making her look up herself, locking two sets of blue eyes together. She knew what he wanted before he ever even reached for her, kissing him softly, gently, not so much devouring each other this time as savoring each other, memorizing how the other tasted and felt, so that no matter what happened, they would always be able to remember just what kissing each other was like, and hopefully, …never take it for granted, …since there was no way of knowing just how long the universe would continue to allow them to stay together, or how long they’d be allowed moments of happiness as peaceful as this one.

When they were through, he looked at her and gently reached up and caressed her face, his fingers tracing the strong lines, the gentle curves, until she was certain he had memorized her face just by touch alone. When he was done, he sighed and continued just to look at her, as if he wanted to say something,…but still, wasn’t sure if he should, not wanting to disrupt the peace between them, content to enjoy it just as it was, if that was what was necessary.

She solved his dilemma for him. Reaching out and pressing his hand to her cheek, she looked directly into his blue eyes, and said, "I love you" as quietly, but as assuredly as she possibly could. As she did, she watched his eyes for some type of reaction, knowing that he loved her too, but still not certain that he really believed it when she said she loved him as well. She wanted him to know that this wasn’t something that would just disappear, that she was there as long as he wanted her, …and she hoped that he would want her for however long they both could possibly live.

She didn’t have to wait long for a reaction as once again his eyes told her everything. There was no doubt, only joy, …and a love that still almost frightened her in its strength, astonished her in its power, and made her wonder just what it was that she could possibly give him that could match that in return.

The answer came to her even as he kissed her. What he wants, she thought. Which for some unknown reason is me. Thank the "Goddess", …and any other deities I was taught don’t exist, …that might possibly be responsible.

As he pulled away from the kiss, he wrapped his arms around her, and pulled her tightly to him. He held her like that for a long microt before finally saying to her, "I love you, Aeryn Sun. I’m glad I can finally say that to you, …and that I don’t plan on going anywhere for a very long time. I’m afraid that you’re stuck with me."

She thought for a microt of making a joke of that, about it being terrible. Then she thought better of it, …and decided just to say what was in her heart.

"Good. Because I don’t plan on going anywhere either." She looked up at him and smiled at him as he continued to hold her. "It looks like we’re ‘stuck’… with each other."

He smiled back at her, enjoying the continuing peace between them…when they felt Moya shake abruptly, as if something had struck her, …and heard Pilot calling for their attention from somewhere in the vicinity of their pile of clothing.

John sighed as Aeryn rolled off of him and reached for her comm…only to feel him lightly grab her and pull her back to him again. He held for only a short microt, saying as he released her, "Sorry. I just wasn’t ready to for it to be over so soon."

She came back to him and held him close again, surprised by the feeling of certainty that had just come over her as she held him. "It’s not over," she said, trying to put it into words, "It’s just…interrupted. We’ll be able to spend this kind of time together again. I’m sure of it."

He looked at her, smiling in real affection, as they separated and reached for their piles of clothes. As they dressed, another blast of some sort rocked the ship, and they could hear Pilot’s calls growing more and more frantic. Aeryn finished dressing first, and while unable to determine what the problem was by talking to Pilot, determined that she ought to go to him while the others went to command and addressed the problem there. Pilot signed off by saying that he thought that was an excellent idea.

John was smiling grimly at her when she finished. "So we split up from here. Terrific. Wanna bet that this isn’t something that can be solved quickly?"

"It’s hard to say," Aeryn replied, not liking the way Moya shook during these blasts, her Pilot DNA telling her there was something very wrong about it. "In any case, we ought to get going. The sooner we find out exactly what’s going on, the sooner we can find a solution."

"Agreed," John said as Aeryn started to head off towards Pilot’s Chamber. As she walked off, she was surprised to hear him call out to her. "Aeryn."

She turned and looked back down the corridor at him, wondering what he wanted.

He just looked at her and said, "I love you" and smiled at her as he continued to look at where she stood.

Aeryn couldn’t help but smile back. "I love you too," she replied. "Now go! The others are waiting for you."

"Yes, ma’am," he said, still smiling….then took off to see just what the others had already discovered while they were "waiting for him."

Aeryn, though, found that she didn’t want to leave the corridor just yet.

"I love you," she said again, liking how it sounded on her tongue. Then shaking her head at her own foolishness, ….yet finding that in her heart, the words still filled her with an indescribable joy,…Aeryn Sun, former Peacekeeper, present-day fugitive, and in love with a space-lost human, turned the corner and headed down the corridor, wondering just what new strangeness might be lying in store for her, …in store for them all.

Fin.