AUTHOR: Babygirl lizlee@star.net

PAIRING: John/D'Argo

RATING: PG-13 suggestions of m/m relationships.

SUMMARY: John wonders if he should reveal his true feelings to D'Argo.

NOTES: This story takes place just after the Ep. "Jeremiah Crichton."

DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Henson and the SciFi Channel, and no
copyright infringement is intended by my use of them. The characters may not
belong to me, but the story does. Copyright 2000, Babygirl.

FEEDBACK: I would love some.

ARCHIVE: Aiobheann's Farscape Slash, Smutscape, all others please ask.

Crichton and D'Argo braced themselves in the access shaft and pulled on the prying bar they both held. After several seconds of grunts and gritting teeth the two let go and sat back panting. They had been working to pry loose a blockage in the shaft caused by Moya's pregnancy for the last aarn but it refused to budge. It was a blockage much like the one that caused Moya to starburst while Crichton was out blowing off some steam in his Farscape module leaving him stranded on a nearby planet for a quarter of a cycle.

John remembered how scared shitless he was when that happened and had resolved himself to stay on board this time and help D'Argo get this blockage loose.

It was hot and humid in the shaft. Crichton's clothes had quickly become soaked through with the moisture in the air and his own sweat. He felt heavy and sticky so opted to at least shed his T-shirt early on. Although D'Argo was more accustomed to the heat he now paused to remove his heavy tunic and shirt which were now also soaked through.

John secretly took a moment to admire D'Argo's now half-naked form and liked what he saw.

John liked men. It was a secret he had kept carefully guarded most of his life. He had always been that way it was who he was.

There were very few friends who knew his secret and even fewer family members.

He swore long ago that his father would never know he was gay. John loved his father and at the same time he hated him. He hated that his father was always leaving him to go on missions, he hated that his father never seemed to be there when he needed him. Most importantly he hated his father for making him feel that he couldn't be honest with him. John's relationship with his father was shaky at best and he knew that there was no room for an admission of homosexuality.

His father never said that he hated gays, never said that they were wrong or bad. Unfortunately John got the feeling that it just wasn't something that would be accepted in the Crichton household. Added to that all of the overwhelming social and religious messages that said being gay was "wrong" and "against nature".

He remembered one night watching a news report about a gay man who was brutally beaten to death. John was only sixteen and was at a point where, after years of trying to figure what was going on in his head, had finally figured that his feelings towards other males really was what it was. That day was a turning point in his life because in figuring out who he was he found out it was something generally thought of a profoundly bad. It was that day that John Crichton figured out he was gay and it was that day he decided to stay firmly in the closet.

John had spent most of his teenage years thinking that there was something wrong with him and so set out to be the model heterosexual. He made the football team and dated a cheerleader. He bought girly magazines with his friends and laughed at all of the fag jokes. He did all of the things every clean-cut straight boy was supposed to do and on the night he lost his virginity to Karen Shore in the back of his mom's minivan, he knew that no matter what he did he would always be gay.

It was simply who he was.

College was another great turning point in his life. Hundreds of miles away from his family and friends he had a chance to explore his sexuality without the risk of being discovered. His school was near a big city so he was able to carouse the gay hangouts without worrying about running into anyone from campus. He liked it at first, it was nice to be able to be himself but it lost its glamour real quick. He had a few encounters, some were good, and some were not so good. They were all brief and, for the most part, meaningless. He couldn't help wanting more.

Then one night, while sitting in the corner of a gay bar, solemnly nursing a beer, his worst nightmare came true.

He saw someone he knew!

His name was Dave, John knew him from his Physics class and had secretly had a crush on him. At the same moment John saw Dave, Dave's eyes landed on him. The two men looked at each other with expressions of the shock and surprise of being discovered. They stayed that way for a few seconds, like a couple of deer caught in the headlight of a Mac truck.

It was finally Dave who was the first one to speak. "You do realize this is a gay bar don't you?"

Crichton shifted nervously in his seat. "Yeah, I kinda do."

"Then I guess we've both been caught." Smiled Dave.

John could feel the tension in his shoulders ease.

Until that moment John had never believed in "love at first sight" and from that moment on he had found a happiness with Dave that he couldn't describe in words. Dave was a lot like him, a man who had spent most of his life hiding who he was. Together the two continued to hide who they were, both dated girls and restricted their rendezvous to places off campus. For the first time John enjoyed the hiding, it became like a game. He didn't care that he had to do it, he only cared that he had Dave.

Then came the car accident. John and Dave were driving back to school from spring break when a drunk driver hit them. John came out without a scratch, Dave died instantly.

John felt part of himself die with Dave. Like everything else, he hid his intense grieving and watched as everyone rushed to comfort and support Gina, Dave's girlfriend. The woman Dave went out with to hide his love for John.

All the hiding, holding in, loneliness and loss finally took their toll. John stopped trying to look for love; instead he turned all his attention to his schoolwork. A bachelor's degree, masters and doctorates were accomplished through years of fevered study and devotion to his calling.

Then he met Alexandra and his life took yet another turn. Although he wasn't /in/ love with her, he did love her. She was his companion; his friend and even his lover. Things seemed to be going well, John decided to ask her to marry him, happy that he was in a relationship that he didn't have to hide.

But he never got the chance; she took the Stanford job and moved away. Her career, it seemed, was just a little more important.

The strange thing was that it didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. If it was because he really didn't love her as much as he thought or if he was just so used to being alone, he wasn't sure.

Then his dream of the Farscape project came true. Sitting in that shuttle, waiting for take off, he was scared of the fact that he wasn't scared. He knew this was a test flight and there were dangers but he didn't seem to care. He was confident that his theory was correct and if it wasn't then there would be one less lonely bastard in the world.

Well, maybe he really didn't feel that way but it seemed like it at the time.

Now here he was on the other side of the universe sweating his ass of in a maintenance shaft and drinking in the sight of a beautiful Luxan. A creature, he feared, he was now in love with.

It was not love at first sight, not by a long shot. At first D'Argo scared the shit out of him. He was so big, so ferocious and so alien looking. The fear faded fast and for a while John didn't like him. D'Argo's dominating nature and condescending attitude got on John's nerves. But then he started to respect and admire D'Argo. He had been through a lot of shit in his life but still maintained his confidence and dignity. John was soon attracted to D'Argo's strength and determination but also his gentler side that sometimes revealed itself. The Luxan features that had once seemed so odd to John now looked so elegant and exotic.

He never realized how strongly he felt until he was stranded on that planet for a quarter of a cycle. He had thought himself abandoned and had given up all hope of seeing any of Moya's crew again. Until one day, just when he was about to get skewered by the locals, D'Argo showed up and saved him. /My freaking knight in shining armor/ John had thought to himself. He had never been so happy in his life and wanted to throw his arms around D'Argo and give him a big wet kiss. But he was still angry and that anger was what D'Argo got from him instead.

John wanted D'Argo bad. He had hoped that the feeling would fade but it only got stronger. John was beginning to feel that if he didn't do something about it he might burst. But how to go about approaching D'Argo was the real problem. John had approached a man once that he thought was gay; needless to say, it was a bad mistake, one he vowed he would never make again. John knew he had to think of a diplomatic way of going about it. He had little knowledge of the sexual attitudes of Luxans and hoped that D'Argo would not take offence to the mer thought of two males having sex.

There was one bright note, D'Argo had fallen in love with and married a Sabacean woman. If he was open enough to love someone of a different race despite the cultural prejudices then maybe he would be open enough to consider John as a lover.

John could only hope.

"What the hezmona is wrong with you?"

"What?" John stammered, focusing his attention back to reality.

"Don't tell me humans get heat delirium too," D'Argo grumbled.

"No we don't."

"Then grab the end of this prybar so we can get this frelling blockage unstuck and get out of here."

John grabbed the bar and on the count of three the two gave another hard yank.

Although John did not believe in fate it didn't mean that fate did not believe in him.

The blockage came free rather suddenly causing John and D'Argo to go tumbling down the shaft along with it. Arms and legs stretched out in all directions, pressing and grabbing for the walls in an attempt to stop from falling.

A leveling off of the tunnel finally made it possible to stop. The two remained where they had landed, gasping for air. John found himself lying on top of D'Argo with his face pressed to the Luxan's sweaty chest. The feel of D'Argo's skin combined with his sweet smelling body odor hit John with a rush of excitement that made his cock rock hard in an instant.

His now awakened groin was pressed against D'Argo's thigh and John knew that D'Argo could probably feel it. His heart raced in his chest both from excitement and fear. But strangely it was a few moments before D'Argo moved to put his hand on John's shoulder were it remained for perhaps a second or two too long before he used it to push John off.

"I'd like to get out of this frelling shaft now, Crichton." The words were said in a solemn, matter-of-fact tone. There was no hint of anger or disgust.

As the two men made their way back up the shaft John wondered if perhaps his situation was not as dire as he thought.

Maybe, just maybe, he had a chance with D'Argo.

THE END