AUTHOR: Babygirl lizlee@star.net

PAIRING: Chiana/Zhaan

RATING: PG. thoughts of a F/F pairing.

SUMMARY: The author's insight into what Chiana might be thinking.

DISCLAIMER: These characters belong to Henson and the SciFi Channel, and no copyright infringement is intended by my use of them. The characters may not belong to me, but the story does. Copyright 2000, Babygirl.

FEEDBACK: I would love some.

ARCHIVE: Aiobheann's Farscape Slash & Smutscape

Well there it is again.

Laughter.

Who is it this time?

Why does it matter? Why do I care?

There is always someone laughing on this frelling ship. Zhaan, Rygel, John. Yeah, even Aeryn and D'Argo. They try to seem gruff and serious but those two laugh. Usually they do it when they think no one can hear them.

That's not right, they do it when they think /I/ can't hear them.

I don't mind not being included, I don't even mind being ignored. But I do mind being intentionally left out.

I guess it's my fault, I never really made a point to get close. I always figured that I wouldn't be on this frelling ship for too long.

They've all made it perfectly clear that I can leave whenever I want.

I guess that's a good thing. That, being freedom.

I used to crave freedom; it seemed like…I don't know. Like the most precious thing, to control your own destiny, to make your life go the way you want it.

Something like that.

Yeah, right.

That was one big disillusioning slap in the face.

No, that's not true. I've been able to go a lot of places and see a lot of things.

That was fun.

But I've also gotten hurt a lot and been scared.

Fear, that's something that I never figured on. Freedom and fear seem to go hand and hand. No one tells you that, they just tell you to sit down, shut up and do what you're told. They make you to conform and force that desire of freedom to well up inside you until you're going to burst or die.

But they don't tell you about the fear. Maybe if they would just tell you like it is, you wouldn't be sitting here on a ship floating on the other side of space and feeling more alone than you ever did at home.

It hurts not being part of that laughter. It hurts thinking that I may never be a part of that laughter.

They all think I'm a stupid, crazy kid.

Sure, I've stepped on some toes and perhaps overstepped my bounds once or twice. But I'm not stupid and I'm no damn kid!

They all look at me as if they need to protect themselves from me, as if I'm gonna get them as soon as they turn their back.

Oh sure, I play may little games. I tilt my head this way and that, I look at them as if I want something and speak in a sighing breathless voice. But those aren't my weapons they're my shields. They protect me and hide the fact that I'm so frelling scared most of the time.

Zhaan called me a "brat".

It was more attention than I'd had in a long time and it felt good. I would've given anything for my mother to call me that. I would've given any thing to have her yell at me and pull her hair out and tell me that /I/ was the reason she had so many wrinkles.

I would've given anything for that kind of attention.

I would love to make Zhaan yell and scream at me.

I would give anything to make her laugh.

She smiled at me once and I thought my heart was going to flutter out of my chest. She looks so safe, sometimes I forget how scared I am, how alone I am.

Take care of yourself little girl, because no one else will. Depend on yourself because that all you can depend on. Don't ask for help because you won't get it.

You're on your own.

You're alone.

But then Zhaan smiled at me and I wondered what it would be like to depend on someone else, to lean on someone else. To be held in someone's arms and feel safe.

I feel safe just being near her.

I would love to tell her that, I would love to show her that.

I would love to love her.

Maybe then I wouldn't feel so alone…

…so scared.

THE END