Why am I so calm? Ordinarily I would be "freaking out", as John puts it. But there it is, just the same. I can sit here, holding Aeryn's hand and watching her sleep, without wanting to roar my anger into the wind, to do /something/, just for the sheer relief of moving and not thinking.

Perhaps because I won't have to watch Aeryn die? It would be seeing Lo'laan die all over again. With the distance of time, I can say that at least she did not suffer, as Aeryn would have, if John had not been successful. It was quick, but not so quick that I could not tell her I loved her before she was gone.

I can't remember now if I told John that before he left. I am sure I did, but the question nags at the corners of my calm, like a pebble in a shoe. I'm afraid for him, yes, but strangely that fear is not as disturbing as wondering if the last thing I said to him was "I love you." I know that the things I feel now are something that I did /not/ say -- that I am proud of him, for doing what he has done, and angry at him, for risking his life. Angry at the circumstance that kept me from going with him, as I should have done. I swore an oath to be the shield at his back, always.

And I will be. I will get him back, and I will destroy anyone who put a hand on him.

But not alone.

As soon as Aeryn is strong enough, we will go after him. I know without asking that I cannot leave without her. Even Zhaan, peaceful Zhaan, came to me earlier, asking questions about how many weapons she should put on the transport for the three of us. More than any declaration of her concern for John, that alone tells me how much he has come to mean to all of us. That Zhaan would offer -- no, demand -- to take up a weapon to protect him. I would never have asked it of her, but the simple fact that it needed no asking stuns me.

And Aeryn...it should be killing me to wait for her to recover enough to go with us, but it does not. I have no right to ask her to stay away -- for all that she wishes to hide it, deny it, she loves John as much as I. Some craven part of me is happy that she pushed him away for so long, because he is mine now. My sword brother, my closest ally, my lover.

She may be a PeaceKeeper, but she has proved herself to us, to me, a thousand times over, and I admire her. Her strength, her ability, and although I may never admit it in so many words, I respect her as a fellow warrior. And even though I feel that respect for her, I could not honor her wish to die alone. I can't lose her. It would be too much.

It would be too much to see another death like Lo'laan's, or to see the pain in John's eyes if he returned -- no, no, /when/ he returns -- to find that she had died. I know that John still cares for her, and that makes her precious to me as well. I would give anything I have to see John happy. I am willing to die to see him safe. I have no illusions about this rescue mission. The three of us are likely to die in the attempt -- but to die for John, to give him even the smallest chance of returning to us, and to me, is more than fair.